The BBC's curled one out again

Too much of a good thing is bad. Too much of a mediocre thing is worse. 🥌👈

From the desk of the BBC Director General.

To the British fee payer.

You said you liked curling. You did. In 2002 when Rhona Martin and her team won in Salt Lake, you said you bloody loved curling. And in 2014 when Muirhead’s lot got Bronze and Murdoch’s gang got silver, you said you loved curling more than anything.

Even in 2022, when Muirhead came back to win gold and the lads took silver you told us that despite the fact there’s ice hockey and bobsledding and skeleton and cross-country skiing and ice dancing you looked me in the eye and you said “ALL I WANT IS CURLING.” OK. You didn’t, and we didn’t aks, but we inferred it.

So guess what you’re getting from Auntie this year?

Damn right. Curling. Curling on BBC Two. Curling on the alternate iPlayer feed. And if you pay for TNT sports, you’ve six curling games to choose from.

It doesn’t matter that hockey is this year’s most streamed event. It doesn’t matter that Team GB is picking up golds on the skeleton run and on the snowboarding course. You once sort of expressed a preference for curling so that’s now 90% of our offer.

And shut up about Torville and Dean. That was ages ago. We’ll cut away from the ice dancing for the curling round robin.

Why are you complaining about the license fee?

Why are you turning off?

Why are you taking to the internet to take the piss?

We had one good offering that landed well 24 years ago, and our only strategy now is to keep doubling down even as our customers turn away in droves.

We’ll never rethink. We’ll never reposition. We’ll never react to changing trends.

And we’ll never, ever get out in front of the competition with anything fresh.

What do you mean Discovery+ has every event for £4?

What do you mean you’ll pay for that and evade the license fee?

If only we’d taken the chance to review our strategy and make sure it was in line with what our customers wanted.

If only.

Then we’d never have been used as a heavy-handed metaphor in which Andrew uses his dislike for curling to say HNW can help you review your strategy to make sure you’re not boring your customers with more of the same.

Now if you’ll forgive me, I’ve got to go and fail to hire someone who writes good Doctor Who episodes.

BBC Director General, 20/02/26

Something mint - the best thing to come out of Scotland since whisky

You were expecting that headline to say curling, weren’t you?

Bait and switch that. Doing the unexpected. It’s a great way to make a good advert.

Like seaweed crisps. What’d you expect from a seaweed crisp ad? Something about the health benefits of iodine? Claims about carbs? Something about the brisk flavour of an Aberdeenshire afternoon?

Nah. Obvious.

What about being maimed by the tide?

Seal puns?

Mild swearing and maritime banter?

Brilliant. Unexpected angles, wonderful microcopy, and packed with personality.

That “Look, here he is” might be the best thing I’ve seen on an advert since I don’t know when.

They’re almost good enough to convince you to switch out the Walkers for a packet of dried water cabbage.

Almost.

Shame that all that humor and personality goes missing with the worthy bollocks on their website.

Better for you and for the planet. What a really unique message that couldn’t be used for pretty much any product that goes in, on or near humans…

Go back to the seal, for fuck’s sake.